The War on Terror: Rubed

You’ll probably have noticed something about us here at Rube Watch. We don’t seem to tackle the big issues. OK, I can see that from a certain point of view, but that only comes from a deep misunderstanding of the threat that Rubery poses to our world. You see, this is the big issue, this is the only issue that we should be worrying our little heads about. War, famine, poverty, Yates Network, murder, rape, Bush Country, talent contests. Why? Assholes, that’s why. Rubes.

“Imagine there’re no assholes, it’s easy if you try” In fact, try hard enough and you can imagine John Lennon never existed and that song fades away like the distant painful memory of so much half baked pap.

However, in the interests of appealing to a larger audience and mentioning something, anything, you people might have previously heard of, I’m putting The War on Terrorism into the Hall of Rubes. No, no, hang on. Yes I am. Shut up, yes I am. If some bunch of fucking Rubes can declare war on, carpet bomb and send armies after an abstract noun then I can certainly rube a proper one. Am I’m damn well going to, is that OK with you? Yeah, yeah, fuck you too pal.

It’s not like the US haven’t tried this stunt before. They declared War on Drugs a few years back. Heroin was shitting itself, which made a change from making some skinny addict leak sour brown muck down a pant-leg. Coke fled back to Columbia, where it was hacked to pieces by guerrillas and shoved up hairy nostrils, and marijuana got burned like the witches of old, and everyone giggled. Whereas Codeine, Nicotine, Dramamine, Valium, Novocaine, Paracetamol, Aspirin, Morphine and Glue escaped the onslaught, Alcohol was installed as drug-ruler, but a pawn of the state. A liquid Noriega, if you will.

So how is this one going to pan out? Well, I see it like this. Terrorism is quaking in its boots around about now (if you can imagine a tiny boot on the end of the T and M ). It’s looking for a hiding place somewhere in between “Urinal” and “Uzbekistan” in the Oxford English, not wanting to stray too far from the “S,T,U” region, but “U.S.; see United States” just keeps rearing its ugly head. Stuck between a toilet and a shit hole, Terrorism will have to let go of the word it annexed in the 1960s, “terror”, and seek exile in “C”, possibly “Q”. With Terrorism on the retreat we can install our own word to fill the gap. A good word, a Christian word, a word to unite the nations and to bring peace and love in our time.

I was thinking…”Testicle”