Rubes of the Week

"Hi! We're Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and we're big fuckin' rubes!"

During the case, Oscar-winner Zeta Jones, 33, told the judge she was left feeling "devastated" and "violated" when she discovered "unflattering" paparazzi pictures had been taken.

You know, Catherine, you're right. We here at Rube Watch think everyone, no matter how famous, deserves to have his or her privacy respected. But, Catherine, let's put this in perspective, shall we?

It's not like Hello! magazine went in and took pictures of you and Michael on your sofa in the doggy pose. That, Catherine, would be "unflattering". Your swollen baby belly and droopy arms are characteristic of most women outside the little Zeta-Jones bubble in which you live, and for you to call it "unflattering" is an insult to all women who will never be beatiful enough or well-married enough to be as "talented" as you were when you trotted your hooves across the set in a short flapper skirt and your 15 Minutes began.

Hello! took photographs at a wedding you shamelessly promoted for ages, wagging the rock on your finger for every tired camera with nothing better to report. You gave "exclusive" interviews about your new marriage and finding yourself and winked as you spilled the details of your wedding. What's more, as if there was any privacy left that you hadn't peddled, you sold the rights to photograph your charming wedding to the ever-tasteful and highbrow OK! magazine for a measly £1 million. You wanted everyone to see how opulent and happy and beautiful you and Michael are. Your privacy wasn't violated by Hello!. It's just that Hello! wasn't kind enough to pay you to violate it like all those other shills. If you ask Rube Watch, Hello!'s only crime is that it thought you were interesting enough to waste a roll of film on.

Catherine Zeta-Jones. Your 15 Minutes are ticking away.

Catherine Zeta-Jones. You and your husband are Rubes of the Week.