And the Rube saw the Angel of the Lord

…AND from the Prayer Warrior there did cum others formed from the discarded circumcised holy foreskin, severed from the Horner man-dick through the righteous vigour of GOD’S wanky hand and anointed with the spurting of GOD’s tepid Holy Spirit in the form of “She’s a Hero”. YEA with shirts and guitars of stripes and stars did they appear, Steve Vaus, “the most heroic musician in America” and Lowell Shyette the inflated Al Pacino, harbingers of good and rubishness, heroic incubators of GOD’S message and in their patriotic rube-bellies did germinate the seed of Horner, and the devil did quiver in his horseshoes. But LO there were dark times. And the times dark did test the dick disciples. War, famine, genocide, cancelled recording contracts, small time rube rallies. And the seed did germinate and sprout. YEA from the distended anuses of the disciples did crawl the singer and the preacher and the two were one. And the one was David Overstreet.

Rubes of the World - Ireland - Update

Further to the recent Irish Government post, this is an unrelated story relating to a Clonmel native. Just a note to let y'all know the calibre of people (or should I say primitive hominid species?) who rejected the Asian special Olympians in case they might have SARs. This extract from the Irish Independent.

A MAN has been jailed for life after being found guilty of murdering his friend in a row over a battered sausage.

At the Central Criminal Court yesterday, Charlie Maher (21), originally from Clonmel, Co Tipperary, and with an address at Grange Cohan, St John's Park, Waterford, was convicted of murdering John Paul Ryan (20) at Grange Cohan Park, Waterford, on March 11, 2002.

During the trial, a witness told the jury "all war broke loose over a sausage" between the two prior to the murder.

A group of friends including the deceased and the accused had gathered for a drinking session on the night of the killing.

The trial heard Maher stabbed the deceased twice, once in the heart and once in the thigh. It also heard Maher had taken two knives and told his girlfriend, Ciara Gater, "there will be damage done tonight".

Mr Justice Nicholas Kearns imposed upon Maher the mandatory life sentence for murder.

Rubes of the World - Update

Irish government bans Asian cripples from Special Olympics

Rubewatch hopes the Irish people can relax now that the spectre of hundreds of disease ridden spastics (as I'm sure Clonmel residents would describe them) turning up in their towns has been averted.

This is a stunning example of the long reach of the Rube in Office phenomenon (see GWB et al.). The Irish Government has this week excelled itself in its petty self-serving politics. Recently they justified refueling US warplanes heading to Iraq despite their constitutional neutrality by admitting that it was in national economic interest. They allow hospital waste to be dumped in the Dublin mountains yet describe incineration as polluting. Now they have banned 5 Asian countries (but not the Canadians) from sending their athletes to the Special Olympics in case they give some backwater bogmen a dose of SARs. Lets put this into perspective. For a professional athlete this would be a serious disappointment, but ultimately something they'd get over. For someone who has nothing else in the world, perhaps not even limbs for fuck's sake, this is a blow on a scale us able-bodied wasters can't comprehend. (Well, perhaps Matt hears us). This decision is truly the mark of a super-Rube. A cunt even. Therefore, it is health minister Micheal Martin who is the first Irish Government minister to grace the Hall of Rubes.

The Straw that Broke the Rube's Back

So you see it all started like this...

Matty, you know, our friend with the prosthesis over at Stars and Stripes, posted this childish nonsense on his website:

“Birthday
Sorry for not posting yesterday, but I was out celebrating 23 years of being alive. It was a good birthday and I was able to spend the day doing anything I wanted to do. I got just about everything I asked for, except for the digital camera. I'll get one later. Anyway, thanks for staying around while I was out celebrating!”

Well, you can see how this would infuriate a brother, what with the spoiled 8 year old letter to Santa “everything I wanted” shit, and the middle class certainty, despite old kickstand’s claims of poverty, that he’ll “get” that elusive and necessary digital camera later…and all this spewing from his foul smelling, right wing, conservative, isn’t equality great for white middle-classers, fungally infected gob. Well, a bit of a tiff was thus sparked on Stars and Stripes, but seeing as blogspot itself needs a good old rubing these days for being slower than Matt’s idiot brother, and thusly old Slitzy can’t reply to Matt’s latest heart breakingly scathing morally just fantastic comment…the whole sorry episode must be relived, replayed, relayed...and redirected to Rube Watch.

Me: ...except for a digital camera, a new knee, the chance to join the army, some arabs to kill, some nations to bomb, the rights of the disenfranchised, the taxes of the poor, a nigger to hang, a cross to burn. fuck you.

Pegleg: Taxes of the poor? I am one of the poor! (Told you didn’t I?) As far as "a nigger to hang, a cross to burn" I''m not sure where you get off saying those things. I''m probablly one of the most caring people I know when it comes to other people. My best friend in Colorado, my home state, is black. My best friend here in New Mexico is a Navajo. So fuck you!

Me: I''m not racist...my best friend is black.

Thought I''d never live to hear someone actually say that. But if you could you''d be "kicking ass" in Iraq with little bro? Taking the arms off of children with the rest of the armed forces. Other people? Caring? You''re a cunt Matt. A fetid stinking mouldy putrid fungal oozing cunt.

Long John Silver: I never thought I''d live to hear the day that I was called a cunt. I''m honored by this...especially considering I don''t call other people who disagree with me such names. When all logical arguments are exhausted, name calling results

And now…me:
Logical argument has not been exhausted, Captain Hook, it never started. If there was at any point, hop-along, you vaginal discharge, that you thought that my purpose was to logically argue with you, an incestuous masturbatory paralympian, then you know what? I’m truly, truly sorry to have led you limping up the garden path. There are plenty of others out there logically arguing with you and giving you such a pasting, you fucking lobotomised cuntwit, that you don’t even notice. No, Steve Austin, I’m here to mock you. As you almost got a grip on when you first posted our aim on your site…we are here to mock you and the likes of you. I’m glad you’re honoured to be called a cunt, C3PO, it gladdens my empty soul. That I’ve somehow opened your eyes, that I’ve somehow shown you what a total cunt you are, that such a term applies directly to you, that when you next pray to your cunt-god, in your cunt-house, by your semen stained cunt-bed with a picture of your brother scrunched up in your sweaty cunt-fist you’ll say a cunt thank you.

Rube Catalogue - Art

Sciatica, our fellow detector of all things fucked up with the world has unearthed this muck at ebay. Perhaps the prospective customers would like to blow this image up and put it on the other wall.

To answer your question Sciatica, they're Rubes.

Rube shops self to Rubewatch - Exclusive

In a dramatic display of Rubidity, John Hunter has turned himself in to the Rubewatch team. He does so in reaction to our listing of z-coil shoes in the Rube Catalogue. John is correct. I am not an expert in the field of human physiology but I do know that anyone who foolishly pounds the shite out of his legs, feet and back by running 10 miles every morning then wonders why he's crippled, is a bit of a Rube.

John displays an additional Rubish characteristic when he admits to believing the marketing hype that the shoes have been tested by the brightest minds in the land at the prestigious Sandia and Los Alamos labs. It may say so in the commercial John, but those guys are much too busy testing GWB's new nukes to bother with footwear for the chronically gullible. I suppose it will come as a shock to you that Michael Jordan didn't in fact sign those other overpriced shoes you bought. You pillock.

Astoundingly, both John and the Rube shoes hail from New Mexico. They join fellow Lobo-Rubes Matt and Jeremy. Not great statistics for the Land of Enchantment.

R & B Rube

Get your bump'ngrindin pants on folks because R. Kelly is back with yet more lame as fuck R & B for that ass. Retaining his number one spot this week with he sexually charged Ignotion remix, Kelly sees his career on the rise again after 22 child porn allegations as well as further allegations of statutory rape tarnished his otherwise squeaky clean, I only fucked Aaliyah after her 16th birthday, image.

For those die hard fans out there, Rube Watch have uncovered the follow-up to his chart topping single "I Believe I Can Fly". Much like Kelly's other stuff, the tune is exactly the same, so you should love it. Hey...sing along whydontcha.

And for those of you who always wondered...the R. is for Rube.

A Repeat Paedophile

I videotape girls with me when they’re fourteen
Their folks take me to court, sayin I’m obscene
I take girls to my room for bump ‘n grind
Fact that they’re a minor gets me high
And if they’re into it
Then I can do it
And even if they’re not
That’s even more hot

A repeat paedophile
Married Aaliyah
When she was a child
I think about her every night and day
Dick in my hand, get my end away
All these girls up in court
Nothing there but a bunch of whores
A repeat paedophile
A repeat paedophile
A repeat paedophile
Whoo!

I once believed I was a superstar
But now I’m worse than Hugh Grant in that car
Kids see me these days and run a mile
Wonder how I’ll get me another child
But if I just see them
Then I can do them
If I just believe it
There’s nothing to it

A repeat paedophile (whoo!)
Married Aaliyah
When she was a child
I think about her every night and day
Dick in my hand, get my end away
All these girls up in court
Nothing there but a bunch of whores
A repeat paedophile
A repeat paedophile
A repeat paedophile
Whoo!

PAEDOPHILE
(Choir) Child…She’s a child

PAEDOPHILE
(Choir) Child…She’s a child

PAEDOPHILE
(Choir) Child…She’s a child

If I just spread their cheeeeeks

PAEDOPHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiLE
(WHOO!!!!)

(Choir) She’s a chiiiiiiiild.

A reading from The Gospel according to Rube

…AND GOD moved his loin cloth three fathoms left to reveal a penis in the shape of a man with pube moustache and curly mullet to piss his message all over the earth, and the piss was music to the ears of Rubes and the man was the Prayer Warrior. YEA did the fetid amber stinkwater flow, for GOD had drank in the prayers of rubes worldwide and oh did his holy bladder ache, and the man was born of human mother, but unlike JESUS the mother did fuck a man, and the child was born not in Nazareth, but in Paducah, Kentucky, and LO he was named Eric Horner.

FOR TWO score years, through war and marriage did GOD’s frothy pissmusic spew from the warrior’s mouth bringing joy to the ears of Rubes across the rube nation and the nation was America. YEA did the prophet Brian prophesy a climactic end to the music and the Warrior wept in his ineptitude, failing to bring the steamy message to the world. But LO there came days, as prophesied by Brian, days in which the pissing stopped, and the music became one with GOD.

YEA was Jessica Lynch captured, YEA was she saved by the rube army of America and LO did GOD shake off the man-dick that is Eric, sending the last driplets of the old smellnoise earthward. Further shakes did transform the penis man and he stood erect as the shuffling of GOD’s hand and the thought of the young woman, bound and gagged and patriotic made the final song that would unite the rubes, holy cocksmell music to rube ears, and GOD gave a thunderous gasp as the new testament of spunksound soared to heaven, then crashed to earth…and “She is a hero” did cum from Eric’s mouth. And the rubes rejoiced.

Rube Catalogue - Rube Summer Wear

Got the summer-time blues? Or is it reds this year? Fear not, Rube Watchers, for we know too well how summer is always the most confusing fashion season of the year. With all those layers of winter clothing carefully tucked away, suddenly you're faced with a closet full of Star Wars: Phantom Menace tank tops, pit-stained Santana Supernatural Tour T-shirts and an endless row of hangers draped with all of Gap's soft colors of yesteryear. It begs the questions, is this in? Is this out? How can I love my country, support my president and look cool all at the same time?

How? That's easy. One question. Who started it?

From the catwalks of Kabul to Baghdad to Simpsonville, South Carolina, it's become obvious to Rube Watch that this year's colors are red, white and blue. Hand-crafted by Vietnam Veterans who know what it's like to need to look good in the steamy, summer heat, you, too, will "never forget" what you stand for in one of these classic tees.

Let's hear the artist in his own words:

...patriotic displays that were popular after September 11th and visible everywhere were slowly being put away and the dirty game of Democratic partisan politics was taking over again.

When I saw two United States Congressmen going to Baghdad to comfort the enemy and Barbra Streisand, George Clooney, Sean Penn and the Hollywood crowd stirring up the “Anti-War” factions, I once again felt like the country was being betrayed.

So, as my way of showing exactly how I feel about what is happening around us, I came up with the slogan, “Never forget who started it!”™ and decided to promote its use as a way of showing my opinion and a more accurate view of what has really happened to our country.

Slow down there, Versace! Don't push away those Hollywood types just yet. They'll come around. Why, even Bruce Willis wants to wear this summer's red, white and blue! These are rich boys and girls in Hollywood, and "never forget"™ that you have shirts to sell!

We at Rube Watch say keep on keepin' on, my friend, and nevermind those bullies on your message board,

Date: 3/28/2003 12:22:08 AM
Subject: Disgusting
Message: You are making money from a tragedy that has devastated families, a neighborhood, a city and a nation. Your money making scheme is arrogant, shameless and you have the audacity to hide behind the flag as a "patriot".
You have no honor. YOu are a hate monger.
Shove off.

because when it comes to patriotism, everyone's a customer!

The Rube Responds

Starsnstripes hits back. Or more accurately he feebly waves in our general direction.

Matt young chap, calm yourself down. Let go of your dick for a few seconds, you'll aggravate your injury if you persist with your frantic tugging. I've added dictionary links to all the words you might not understand this time so you can work out what I'm really saying, just make sure you get the context right.

Did I see you yelling "support our troops" into a bullhorn outside the Frontier restaurant back in March? If it was you you didn't look too injured to me. Perhaps you're dodging your patriotic duty like your emperor GWB. Sorry, I'm being cruel. GWB didn't dodge the draft, his father realised he was too dim to let loose on a battlefield and had him carted off to college where he couldn't do any damage. He did however manage to get arrested for drunk and disorderly behaviour at a football match - you have to be pretty fucked up to be deemed disorderly at a game. I digress. Just be careful down on Central, APD blew away a disabled guy there last year, wheelchair didn't stop rolling until Monte Vista. They don't discriminate.

To business. Clearly this rube didn't read what we wrote (if he did he must be thicker than we first thought). Matt, we at Rubewatch suspected that you might miss the point of our posts, but no matter, we are here to help you. While Rubewatch's purpose is to ensure that gushing bile like yours is put in its place, we also want to show you some other viewpoints. We are not liberals. We have no siding with particular parties or leaders. Politicians never have your best interests at heart. We say fuck them.

Matt underlines his challenge for the Uber-Rubeship in spectacular fashion as follows:

1. he discredits Rubewatch on the grounds that we couldn't pass Army Ranger basic training, a pitiful argument;
2. he measures his success by the amount of animosity directed at him;
3. he describes any challenge to his viewpoint as "liberal";
4. he confirms that US soldiers can in fact make mistakes after dismissing it in his previous posts;
5. he advocates capital punishment for arson.

Matt for Uber-Rube. Vote today in the comment box below.

Rube Update!

Rube Recommended Reading

Rube Verse

Sonnet A Bitch: An introduction to the Rube Poet

Put down The Corrections, Rube Watchers, there's a new laureate in town! And this one's armed with a three-ton cache of smart pens and ready to throw all you hippies out of the Ba'ath. This one's ready to Ezra Pound your commie face in with some good, old-fashioned, down home book learnin'. Git 'em, boys!

As Saddam stepped into a taxi,
A smart-bomb shot right up his jacksie.
And then, whilst searching for his glasses,
A second entered Tariq Aziz.

Ooh, that smarts! Take that, hippies! Hey Saddam. Try a little Rob Halford on for size.

Saddam himself, a man in need
I’ll pay his face with knuckle coins
and have change left for Bin Laden.

I’ll cry no more these twin tears of pain
I’ll crash my hate into your face.

Ouch! Haiku, too, bin Laden!

Let Rube Poet Laureate Stuart Russell help you get it straight.

Oops! Blair Force One got the liberals on the run!

And that's really the Rube Poet's master touch. Talk the talk like an older, drunken Robert Burns, but leave it to the Military Rube to turn it into a Wasteland.

Well done, boys. Well done. It's like you're taking diction from God. Or FOX News. Well done, Poet Rube, for seeing a world where the pen is mightier than the sword...with which to spew more unsophisticated hate. When it comes to invention, the Poet Rube shall not be counted out.

We will not run,
We will not flee
We’ve here to say,
Democracy, Democracy.

Yes you are, Carl Jeffords. Yes you are!

And as far as fact and art are concerned, never the 'twain shall meet.

Rube War

…and still giggling away while I type, making my fingers hit the wrong keys, and actually, infuriating me a little, we have possibly the most rubey activity in the world, exposed for your entertainment by Rube Watch.

War Re-Enacting

Now, war is a bad thing, right? I mean, apart from liberating the Iraqis from their limbs and houses, war, as a concept, essentially…is a bad thing.

OK.

Well, some rubes see it as a bit of a hobby. Reliving past wars and getting a right kick out of it.
Sixty grown men.
In a field.
In costumes.
With fake guns.
Gives your average rube an erection just thinking about it. They even assign themselves rank, divisions, platoons, and fake names and ages. Jesus.

Now, when Rube Watch began our investigation, we’d planned a lengthy tirade against the Civil War Re-Enactors and the Custer’s last stand re-enactors, they being so far into history, that some type of tourist spectacle is possibly understandable, but certainly not acceptable as a personal pastime and warranted an extra thrashing to get a chuckle out of you. Something along the lines of what it would be like to re-enact Vietnam or something: “Hey Billy Bob, you gotta be the gook t’day. Ahm sick a wearin the slit-eye make-up and grinnin all day”

However, during our investigations, we found this, which warrants no comment at all. For a particular kick, check out the personal galleries of each platoon soldier by clicking their photo.

We also found the WW2 re-enactors…both German (look out for Hans Gruber in the “Soldaten” section, showing again the lack of originality of your average rube – in fact, re-enacting suits rubes right to the ground on that point), and the particularly flaunty of authenticity, the British (check out the car park and Football Stadium). You’ll note that, in fact, that they’re all American.

However, in order to really get back to the original ideology of Rube Watch, that of naming and shaming actual individual rubes, quite apart from every asshole involved, particularly those Vietnam guys (actually, I’m going to have another look at that. Check out 2nd Lt. Joel F. Kinney aka Tom Fucking Berenger. Semper fi, gung ho gung ho gung ho…Joel), we’ve pinpointed one particular PERP, who, in being a fat, southern, University policeman, who in his part time rides about calling himself Captain Brian Del Vecchio of the U.S. 7th Cavalry, drags his family into it, and has a site dedicated to himself, beginning with the rallying cry FORWARD YO! rather than focusing on the rubism that is re-enactment in general, thereby putting himself in the firing line like so many rubes before him, we say, Officer Brian Del Vecchio, of University of Virginia Police Department, Charlottesville…you’ve led your last Rube-Charge soldier