The Military Sibling Rube

Further to Trey Wheeler's excellent rebuttal of our newest rube's analysis of the incident in which U.S. soldiers fired upon Iraqi protesters, it should also be said that, when our Starsnstripes Rube declares that

What al-Jazeera (and to a certain extent, America's liberal media) is charging is rediculous. Our troops firing on those people would be like a police force here at home opening fire on a group of anti-American protestors without being revoked. It just dosen't happen!

He exposes himself as so foolishly naive. Maybe our rube should open a fucking history book and read about Kent State University in 1968. Or San Francisco during the most recent protests. Ah, the Military Rube. Or worse, the Military Sibling Rube. What's more, young Starsnstripes Rube, is that these weren't "Anti-American" protestors - whatever that means, anyway. They were simply protesting a war, and if protesting a war makes one "Anti-American", then Bush's friends and history's greatest Republicans are sounding awfully Russian to me.

But we forgive you, Starsnstripes. Like the lion that kills the gazelle, the bear that shits in the woods, it's simply in your nature. Where the Military Rube eventually goes to war and realizes it's all bullshit. The Military Sibling Rube, often finds himself stuck behind the patriotic safety net of his brother, the fighting machine. This, Rube Watchers, is a very dangerous rube. With a sibling off "being all he can be", to borrow a favorite slogan of the rube's trusted military, in foreign lands, the Military Sibling Rube lurks around his natural habitat, spewing all the empty, nationalistic, pro-war garbage he can memorize without fear of reprisal for his own inability to "walk the walk", to borrow a common Military Sibling Rube phrase.

Notably, the Military Sibling Rube has little shame, which is a sign of desperation, which hints at a profound self-loathing. It is at this stage that the Military Sibling Rube becomes the Suicide Ruber, wearing down those around him with his simplistic ignorance while, thus, throwing himself further into the darkness with diminishing hope for recovery.

Rube Watch is currently issuing a Code Orange Alert given the rise in reported "chatter" among Military Sibling Rubes following the war in Iraq. The Military Sibling Rubes are regrouping, and Suicide Rubings will occur. Rube Watch asks you to please stay vigilant.

How to spot a Military Sibling Rube:

1. Curious headgear.
2. Scabs on the knuckles.
3. Poor spelling habits.
4. The Military Sibling Rube's shirt is often a dead giveaway.

Military Sibling Rubes of note:

- Fritz Hitler
- Peter "Pinky" Stalin
- Kyle Washington
- Dave the Also Great
- "Lattice Fence" Jackson
- Randy Caesar
- Matthew Kennicott

Et tu?

Let's all salute the Military Sibling Rube.

Rube Update!

Rubes of Engagement

Jeff has opened a real can of rubes here, link after link of under-informed and feverish comment. Particularly interesting is Starsnstripes analysis of the shooting incident in Iraq yesterday. This has particular significance for some of our Rube watchers, there being a remarkable similarity to these events and Bloody Sunday in Northern Ireland. 13 catholic people were shot dead at a civil rights march, by a British army drafted into the country in the name of protection for the same catholic people. The Army said the other side fired first, but took no casualties, protestors said they were fired on without provocation, and 13 died. Only a few years from their much welcomed arrival in Northern Ireland, those soldiers became symbols of oppression and Bloody Sunday was arguably the nexus of this transformation.

In a few short years, a murderous hatred of the British developed and, well funded by Americans - (US money bought guns from Libya), the people took up arms. 30 years and 3800 or so murders later (quite a lot in a land of 1.5 million) the British are still there.

Where am I going with all this? Well, its quite simple. Our Rube insists that it is impossible for the US soldiers involved (themselves innocent victims of the war) to make the wrong decision and fire. This of course is nonsense, but the fact is that it is irrelevant whether they fired or not. The people believe they did, and in the volatile middle east, the line between liberator and hostile occupier is very fine. The response to this should not be one of dismissal. These events should be taken very seriously by Americans, as the Iraqi people undoubtedly do.

So wake up rube, hopefully you are young enough (judging by your spelling) to save yourself. This isn't just something which happens to little brown people in a far off dusty land. This is the stuff which comes back to burn you. These details are the fuel for the fanatic. Stop your government committing these crimes in your name, you don't want the fallout.

Rube Update!

Rube Leadership Challenge

Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the rube and the home of the slave?

Rube Update!

Rubes of the World: Denmark

Aage Bjerre (pizza guy)

Dear oh dear. Here we have a northern European who has banned the French and Germans from his restaurant for their "disloyalty" to the USG. Aage displays two of the characteristics of the classic Rube, namely, blind allegiance to authority figures, and racism. This inability to think for himself has led to his refusal to lift his ban with the consequence that he will be fined. He has met some resistance in his own community too. The article claims that "a pot of herbs was thrown through the window of his restaurant at the weekend" but we cannot be sure whether this was a violent critique of his pizza making or a true act of derision for his stance. Oh to live somewhere where pots of herbs are weapons of choice...

Here's what the Danish JYDSKEVESTKYSTEN newspaper (go ahead, check it, its a real paper) had to say about the issue. Probably the best newspaper in Denmark.

Aage, join Bob Ney in the Hall of Rubes. Would you like Freedom Fries with that?

Skeeter Sings...

Inspired by Trey Wheeler's recent post on this very site, Skeeter Mays is back with the forlorn hit that's bringin a tear to the eye of many a confused Rube State-Side.
Think "Islands in the Stream", that Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, Rube-Classic and sing along.

Here's "Diggin fur Irony"

Diggin fur irony,
in mah backyawrd
some folks cawl me
"Fuckin slackjaw"
I cain't fahnd it
Gawdamn irony
nor unnerstand it
but ah try

WOMDs
they cain't fahnd 'em
and all the time
we got most of 'em
someone said "irony"
so I shot im
and buried im in mah yawrd
oh yeah

Peacenik hippy
you hate America
well ma Paw fought
in the Vietnam War
for your freedom
Hey, I cain't fahnd 'im!
where is that old coot
anyway?

diggin fur irony
in mah backyawrd
found a body
"dang that's mah paw"
someone cried "irony"
still don't get it
and mah paw really smells
oh yeah

Rubes of the World - Update

A quick visit to our celebrated Rubes in the cultural backwater of Northern Ireland. This time we go to Larne, a little known bastion of Olympic standard Rubism cowering on the beautiful East Antrim coast. Larne finds itself on the rube-scope having rescinded its welcome to the special Olympics team from Iraq due to public outrage. Seen here in the worst photograph on the net, is one of the offending signs. Iraq is of course now home to many new special Olympians thanks to the Bush and Blair axis, and rumour has it that the team will be sponsored at the next games by Lockheed Martin. It is worth mentioning that the mayor of Larne, Bobby McKee, is in fact himself a wheelchair user, the IRA having blown off his legs several years back.

Somewhere in this depressing mess there is irony, I invite my fellow Rube Watchers to dig into the rubble with me as it may not be too late to resuscitate it.

Here's a little light relief on the subject from The Portadown News.

Rube Catalogue Easter Special

Well here we are again folks, its time for the circus that is Christianity to shift into high gear and celebrate the quaint but ultimately irrelevant occasion of Easter. Here at Rube Catalogue we’ve got all you need, catering for the Rube's dual fever for religion and war. What about a Kmart “choc and awe” Easter basket, complete with grenades? Perfect for the budding international liberator.

We also feature polo shirt printing. Every Rube slips into a polo shirt after a long day in the suit, so why don’t you kick back with a little inspirational Christian levity up your chest. That Jesus, he was a kidder. When’s he coming back anyway?

Rube Catalogue: Free Jesus

Somehow I suspect this free offer has strings attached, like sins and stuff. If you have to pay with your soul then its good enough for the Rube Catalogue.

Get yourself a little adonis Jesus today, He was a white man you know, and well hung too. "The Lord said to Peter, "check out the girth of my meat."" (The gospel according to John Holmes)

Rubes of the Week

"Hi! We're Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and we're big fuckin' rubes!"

During the case, Oscar-winner Zeta Jones, 33, told the judge she was left feeling "devastated" and "violated" when she discovered "unflattering" paparazzi pictures had been taken.

You know, Catherine, you're right. We here at Rube Watch think everyone, no matter how famous, deserves to have his or her privacy respected. But, Catherine, let's put this in perspective, shall we?

It's not like Hello! magazine went in and took pictures of you and Michael on your sofa in the doggy pose. That, Catherine, would be "unflattering". Your swollen baby belly and droopy arms are characteristic of most women outside the little Zeta-Jones bubble in which you live, and for you to call it "unflattering" is an insult to all women who will never be beatiful enough or well-married enough to be as "talented" as you were when you trotted your hooves across the set in a short flapper skirt and your 15 Minutes began.

Hello! took photographs at a wedding you shamelessly promoted for ages, wagging the rock on your finger for every tired camera with nothing better to report. You gave "exclusive" interviews about your new marriage and finding yourself and winked as you spilled the details of your wedding. What's more, as if there was any privacy left that you hadn't peddled, you sold the rights to photograph your charming wedding to the ever-tasteful and highbrow OK! magazine for a measly £1 million. You wanted everyone to see how opulent and happy and beautiful you and Michael are. Your privacy wasn't violated by Hello!. It's just that Hello! wasn't kind enough to pay you to violate it like all those other shills. If you ask Rube Watch, Hello!'s only crime is that it thought you were interesting enough to waste a roll of film on.

Catherine Zeta-Jones. Your 15 Minutes are ticking away.

Catherine Zeta-Jones. You and your husband are Rubes of the Week.

Rube Catalogue: Rube Religion

“What better way to pray than with your own kneeler?”

“Proclaim your Faith and Patriotic zeal”

“Be an advertisement for God”

“Amazing Art”

"Hi God!"

Whatever a rube needs, it’s all here at Catholic Shopper. Yes, a true hallmark of the rube is unwavering religious fervour. Now there is a one-stop shop for any rube wishing to display their godliness through internet purchasing.
www.catholicshopper.com

But we’re forgetting someone! The star of the show!

Everyone loves a Jesus
Gotta get a Jesus
Jesus, Jesus
Go Jesus Go!


Christ

Rube Teens

Quick! Who remembers the Santa Clara County v Southern Pacific Railroad Corp. decision?

Time's up...now!

It's the landmark 1886 case that legally defined a corporation as a person. Yeah, that's right. Are you one?

Over time, Santa Clara County v Southern Pacific Railroad Corp., of course, led to all kinds of organizations and associations becoming people just like you and me!

"Oh no. He's going to-," you probably began.

"You know, he kind of looks like Brad Pitt," you did not add.

Fear not, Rube Watchers, I have no intention of rubing the Supreme Court. When they're not too busy deciding elections and trying to decide if it's OK to execute retarded people, the justices of the US Supreme Court actually do some pretty good things. I'll give 'em a free pass on that 2000 election since they made corporations and organizations people, which lets me now rube the slanted brow and hairy palms of that little punk Teenagers for Republican Victory. Let's hear the bed-wetter in his own words:

Teenagers For Republican Victory does not support or promote a platform of issues. We support President Bush, the Republican Congress, and the Republican National Committee in their united agenda to better America.

We have no ideas, no thoughts. We're just a giant rubber stamp for any bile running from a Republican's mouth.

Yes, this is our youth of today, our America of tomorrow, goose-stepping proudly behind their daddy's brand name. These are the children of the future, taught well and showing us the way to jump behind the loudest voice with the simplest explanation.

That guy, Teenagers For Republican Victory, he's a fuckin' rube.

Rube History Revisited

Folks, if our mail is any indication, there appears to be a lot of confusion about what makes one a rube and what makes one a redneck. Perhaps we at Rube Watch haven't been clear. Please find below a guest commentary in response to last week's article by Dr. Montgomery Phalange.

Redneck or Rube: differing branches of the same tree
By Dr. E. Dwight Malone

Rube Catalogue: Declare Your Love

Mr. B Yates of Pikeville, KY wrote to Rube Catalogue asking for our help. Here is his sad tale:

Dear Rube Catalogue,

Following a successful party, at which we laughed soberly over my new board game and the funny drawings of Al Gore’s big loser face, myself and Jeremy were left alone and got into a very deep discussion. He’d recently landed himself on some gay Porn site (can I say Porn in print?) on the net and after telling me how sick it was, all full of naked unpatriotic men, some of them French (eugh) asked me if I ever masturbated.

I didn’t know what to say. Of course I did, everyone does, my father had told me when he showed me how, but my fantasies had become more and more deviant. I once thought of a girl that could have been Monica Lewinski…naked on a beach that could have been an Iraqi desert. Dreams are ambiguous…what did that mean?

Jeremy was so proud of his George Bush thoughts while stroking his member to excitement each morning before work that I felt ashamed. He told me that all of his friends fantasised about Mr. President and were very proud of it. What was wrong with me? Did I not love our president enough? Why was I so ashamed? Why did I pull my little plum in the dark, sobbing into my American flag pillowcase while reciting the pledge of allegiance, but was never able to show that patriotism to my friends and colleagues? I was so jealous of Jeremy’s clean jerks that I tried a quick shuffle right there as Jeremy spoke like a Texan in my ear. It was no good. I needed to tell everyone that I was behind the President all the way. That’s why I write to you now, Rube Catalogue…I just don’t know how.

Yours in anticipation

Bri.
Bush Lover and Patriot.


How could we resist such a plea. Well, Mr. Yates, here it is. Declare your masturbatory malfunctions with the “I Love My President” Bumper Sticker. Suits any pick up or SUV.

$2.00 for the first wanker that wants it.

Rube Watch Introduces: Simon, IT Rube

...and true April Fool

I have to admit to being stunned on discovery of this waste of bytes. I browsed, clicked and sifted but the only question that I could muster was, why?

Is this a traditional diary? Then why give it a URL? Internal record keeping? then why not post it on an intranet? For his buddies outside work and their amusement? Then why doesn't it contain any amusing information? To impress someone? Then why not embellish it a little? There can be only one explanation. We have on our hands a total Rube. But what qualifies this guy as a Rube? Well, lets examine a few of the entries...

In general Simon believes that someone will be impressed by his position as an IT manager. Of course, everyone's a manager nowadays. You can't go into a store without a nod to the door-greeting manager. Simon is now pissed that the word "manager" has been replaced by "coordinator" in the interim, since he has aspired to the title for years. Saying you're a manager is now an admission that you don't have anything worthwhile to do and have inflated your job title to fill the vacuum that is your day at the office, as can be seen in these entries.

On March 4th he admits that "...we do not have an IT department" yet announces himself the "coordinator" of the non-existent department the following day.

13 days later there is an interesting if not altogether surprising post. "Nothing much has happened for the last few days..." Hardly an advertisement for an up and coming employee who has "...been slowly working [to get to this position] over the past two years." Slowly indeed.

There follows a self-congratulatory post featuring dorky smiley face punctuation. The only thing that would be more indicative of rubeness would be a large corporate name badge with "Rube" written neatly under his face. We at Rube Watch will monitor Simon's behaviour closely for development, although I shouldn't need to look over there for about 2 weeks.